Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Unfashionably Late

My store offers fashion shows. It’s the day before an event, and I’m making last minute arrangements when I get paged that someone is there to talk about the show.)
Customer: “I’d like to schedule a fashion show with you guys to support my women’s club.”
Me: “Of course! Let me explain to you quickly what we’ll do for you.”
(I give her a quick rundown of the fashion show program, and what we offer, but she’s tapping her foot and looking at her watch.)
Customer: “I’m REALLY in a rush here; can we hurry it up?”
Me: “Sure! Tell you what, all the information you need is in this packet, and there’s the contracts I will need you to sign. Why don’t you return those to me when you’re able, and we’ll work out a date that isn’t taken?”
Customer: “A date that isn’t taken? I need it NOW!”
Me: “Now?”
Customer: “The event starts in an hour; I just need you to bring the stuff.”
Me: “Ma’am… I schedule fashion shows six months out.”
Customer: “What? You mean that you won’t do it?”
Me: “On this short notice? No.”
Customer: “But I’ve been advertising this for months! We’ve sold over 100 tickets! We have themed the whole event around it!”
Me: “Wait, so you printed invitations and got decorations, but didn’t talk to me until now?”
Customer: “Oh, just grab your models! I don’t have time for this.”
Me: “I don’t just keep the models in the back room!”

Animal Attraction

(The animal shelter I work at accepts volunteers for work. I am on shift with a volunteer, an attractive lady who is in her 20s. I am male. She is laying on the floor in the office, playing with a puppy while I do some paperwork nearby. The puppy rests his head on her bottom and falls asleep. An elderly patron who often visits the shelter to play with cats walks in.)
Elderly Patron: “What a cute pup! Look where his head is!”
(The patron turns to me and grins.)
Elderly Patron: “Don’t you wish your head was where his is, young man?”
(I almost choke.)     That was a joke ! :p

Taking Account Of The Nice Attitude

(I have some problems with my cell phone bill being charged almost double what it is supposed to be.)
Me: “Okay, my account number is [number], and it says I’ve paid everything off!”
Customer Service #1: “Uh, no ma’am. That account was closed.”
Me: “What? When!”
Customer Service #1: “On the 13th. It says right here. Now, you owe $300 for account number [different number]. Honestly, you can see this all online.”
Me: “Um, no I can’t. I can see the info for account number [first number], but I don’t have an account with [second number].”
Customer Service #1: “Oh, you can’t see it? Let me transfer you to someone that can help with the website.”
Me: “What? No! Don’t transfer me!”
(She transfers me before I finish talking. At this point I am extremely annoyed. When the next person comes on the line, I am more than a little rude.)
Me: “Okay, here is what is going on…”
(I explain the whole long process.)
Me: “Now, why is there a different account number there, than what I have?”
Customer Service #2: “Okay, I see here that you put in a transfer of ownership, yes?”
Me: “Yes, it was my brother’s, and now it’s mine.”
Customer Service #2: “See, that’s why. Since you transferred it to your name, we had to cancel the old account and create a new one. The contracts transferred as is.”
Me: “Oh, that makes sense. I wish someone had told me that would happen, though. But why is it so high?”
Customer Service #2: “Let me see, huh. With your plan and discount, it should only come out to be about half of what you’re being charged. That is weird. Oh, here it is. For some reason it charged you for last month as well, but you paid that off on the other account, right? It shows a zero balance to me.”
Me: “Yes, I paid off last month, and that month was higher because I got a new phone.”
Customer Service #2: “Let me talk to my supervisor, and see if we can fix this issue for you.”
(I am put on hold for a few minutes.)
Customer Service #2: “Good news! My supervisor okay-ed me to remove the excess charges. Your new total comes out be $200. The reason it’s still a little high is because of the transfer of ownership fee, and your late fees for not paying on time.”
Me: “Thanks, but is there anyway you can remove the late fees? I’ve always used the automatic payments, and didn’t know I’d have to link to a new account.”
Customer Service #2: “Okay, since you were not notified you would have to make payments to this new account, and it shows here you have never been late with your payment before, I can waive those too.”
Me: “Oh, my God. Thank you so much.”
Customer Service #2: *a little surprised* “Uh, no problem, ma’am. I’m here to help.”
Me: “No, seriously, I know I was very rude and short with you before, and you’ve been nothing but patient with me.”
Customer Service #2: “Uh, you are very welcome, ma’am. Um, is there anything else I can help you with?”
Me: “I think that’s everything, but thanks again so much for helping me out.”
Customer Service #2: “You’re welcome, and have a nice day.”
(I think she forgot to disconnect the call at the right time, because I hear this right after:)
Customer Service #2: “Hey! The lady I just got apologized for being rude to me earlier, and thanked me for helping her!”
Customer Service #2′s Colleague: “Really? That’s never happened to me!”
Customer Service #2: “I know right?”

Checks Are Out At The Checkout

I am a cashier at a big grocery store. I have a customer in with her daughter in her mid-teens. The customer writes a check, but because of a store policy, a manager has to override an error that will pop up if the customer does not have at least $700 of checks in the system. My manager is at the check stand right next to me helping a customer, and knows that I need her assistance.)
Customer: “I can’t believe this is happening again! This happened last time!”
Me: “I’m sorry. Our system is just very particular. You must write a certain amount of checks or spend a certain amount of money every month in order for it to not need an ID and a manager override. I know it is a pain, and I’m sorry.”
Customer: “Well this is just f****** ridiculous. I don’t think I’m going to shop here anymore.”
Me: “Again, I’m sorry that we have to do this. My manager will be here in just a second; she just needs to finish helping another customer.”
Customer: “And this is just so stupid because I’ve written checks here before!”
Me: “I understand. Our system is just very picky when it comes to checks and—”
(At this point the customer begins to dramatically flip through her checkbook, and shoves it in my face so I can see all of the entries.)
Customer: “SEE?!”
Me: “Again, I understand, but the system says you only have $300 in the system, and it needs at least $750. I know it is a bit ridiculous, but in the end it is for the company’s and your safety, and there isn’t really anything I can do about it.”
Customer: “I know it’s not your fault, but—”
(To my surprise, the customer’s daughter suddenly speaks up in my defense.)
Customer’s Daughter: “Then why are you being such a b**** to her, mom? You are so embarrassing. Maybe you should use a debit card like normal people. I’ll be in the car waiting.”
(The mother and I both stare in shock while my manager comes over and runs the check through with no further hassle. Sometimes, it’s nice when someone says exactly what you’re thinking, especially when you can’t say it yourself!)

It’s All Downhill From Here

Customer: “Yes, I bought these ski boots a week ago, but they are faulty!”
Clerk: “I’m sorry about that, what seems to be the problem with them?”
Customer: “These locks won’t hold; they keep opening up!”
Clerk: “Would you let me see the boots, please?”
(The customer hands to the boots to the clerk, and he fastens the locks and can’t find anything wrong with them.)
Clerk: “I’m sorry, miss; the locks seem to work all fine. Could you explain more how they won’t hold?”
Customer: “Well of course they hold when you put them so tight to third position! Put them to first position and you’ll see! They won’t hold locked!”
Clerk: “But wouldn’t the ski boots be too loose for you to wear then?”
Customer: “Just put the locks to the first position and you’ll see!”
(The clerk puts the locks to the first position, and they do ‘fall off’.)
Customer: “See, these are faulty!”
Clerk: “But miss, these locks are used to fasten the boot around your foot. They are supposed to be put tight and not left loose.”
Customer: “But if I want to wear them on the first position, I should be able to do that! Why is there the first position anyway, if I can’t use it, huh? You tell me why? I won’t get full usage for my money if I can’t use all the positions!”
Clerk: “Every person has a little bit different sized feet and that’s why the locks are adjustable. The point is not to use all the positions of the lock but to adjust the ski boot to match your feet.”
Customer: “But what if I want to use the first position? Now I can’t; these boots are faulty!”
Clerk: “I can take these back if you wish, but I have to tell you that you will have the exact same problem with every other ski boot, too. The idea is to find the adjustment good for your feet, not to use all the positions.”
Customer: “I want to return these, they’re faulty! You should be ashamed of yourselves selling this kind of faulty items!”
(I can’t help giggling, and the other customer gives me some nasty glances. The customer then takes a call, I presume from her boyfriend/husband.)
Customer: “They’re taking the boots back, but are you sure this is right? The other customers are laughing at me… Of course hun… Yeah I know, they probably don’t know anything about skiing. I’m glad the fault was found this quickly. I can’t believe they would sell something like this. Okay, I gotta go; the clerk’s coming back.”
Clerk: “Here’s your money miss. And I’m sorry you weren’t satisfied with the product.”
Customer: “Well, you should be. But thanks, anyway. I’ll go buy my boots somewhere else!”
(The customer then turns and leaves. The clerk and I have a laugh at the story. I reserve the boots until next day for myself. They are really good, but I still want to try some other boots, too. I go to another sporting store and I see the same customer in there. She is giving them a hard time about the lock positions. She accuses the clerk of being incompetent, and that her boyfriend knows everything about skiing, and that she should be able to use which ever position she wants on the locks.)

The important things in life by STEPHEN

The important things in life

by STEPHEN on SEPTEMBER 13, 2008 · 498 COMMENTS

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter. 
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

Raw Head and Bloody Bones by S. E. Schlosser

Way back in the deep woods there lived a scrawny old woman who had a reputation for being the best conjuring woman in the Ozarks. With her bedraggled black-and-gray hair, funny eyes - one yellow and one green - and her crooked nose, Old Betty was not a pretty picture, but she was the best there was at fixing what ailed a man, and that was all that counted.
Old Betty's house was full of herbs and roots and bottles filled with conjuring medicine. The walls were lined with strange books brimming with magical spells. Old Betty was the only one living in the Hollow who knew how to read; her granny, who was also a conjurer, had taught her the skill as part of her magical training.
Just about the only friend Old Betty had was a tough, mean, ugly old razorback hog that ran wild around her place. It rooted so much in her kitchen garbage that all the leftover spells started affecting it. Some folks swore up and down that the old razorback hog sometimes walked upright like man. One fellow claimed he'd seen the pig sitting in the rocker on Old Betty's porch, chattering away to her while she stewed up some potions in the kitchen, but everyone discounted that story on account of the fellow who told it was a little too fond of moonshine.
"Raw Head" was the name Old Betty gave the razorback, referring maybe to the way the ugly creature looked a bit like some of the dead pigs come butchering time down in Hog-Scald Hollow. The razorback didn't mind the funny name. Raw Head kept following Old Betty around her little cabin and rooting up the kitchen leftovers. He'd even walk to town with her when she came to the local mercantile to sell her home remedies.
Well, folks in town got so used to seeing Raw Head and Old Betty around the town that it looked mighty strange one day around hog-driving time when Old Betty came to the mercantile without him.
"Where's Raw Head?" the owner asked as he accepted her basket full of home-remedy potions. The liquid in the bottles swished in an agitate manner as Old Betty said: "I ain't seen him around today, and I'm mighty worried. You seen him here in town?"
"Nobody's seen him around today. They would've told me if they did," the mercantile owner said. "We'll keep a lookout fer you."
"That's mighty kind of you. If you see him, tell him to come home straightaway," Old Betty said. The mercantile owner nodded agreement as he handed over her weekly pay.
Old Betty fussed to herself all the way home. It wasn't like Raw Head to disappear, especially not the day they went to town. The man at the mercantile always saved the best scraps for the mean old razorback, and Raw Head never missed a visit. When the old conjuring woman got home, she mixed up a potion and poured it onto a flat plate.
"Where's that old hog got to?" she asked the liquid. It clouded over and then a series of pictures formed. First, Old Betty saw the good-for-nothing hunter that lived on the next ridge sneaking around the forest, rounding up razorback hogs that didn't belong to him. One of the hogs was Raw Head. Then she saw him taking the hogs down to Hog-Scald Hollow, where folks from the next town were slaughtering their razorbacks. Then she saw her hog, Raw Head, slaughtered with the rest of the pigs and hung up for gutting. The final picture in the liquid was the pile of bloody bones that had once been her hog, and his scraped-clean head lying with the other hogsheads in a pile.
Old Betty was infuriated by the death of her only friend. It was murder to her, plain and simple. Everyone in three counties knew that Raw Head was her friend, and that lazy, hog-stealing, good-for-nothing hunter on the ridge was going to pay for slaughtering him.
Now Old Betty tried to practice white conjuring most of the time, but she knew the dark secrets too. She pulled out an old, secret book her granny had given her and turned to the very last page. She lit several candles and put them around the plate containing the liquid picture of Raw Head and his bloody bones. Then she began to chant: "Raw Head and Bloody Bones. Raw Head and Bloody Bones."
The light from the windows disappeared as if the sun had been snuffed out like a candle. Dark clouds billowed into the clearing where Old Betty's cabin stood, and the howl of dark spirits could be heard in the wind that pummeled the treetops.
"Raw Head and Bloody Bones. Raw Head and Bloody Bones."
Betty continued the chant until a bolt of silver lightning left the plate and streaked out threw the window, heading in the direction of Hog-Scald Hollow.
When the silver light struck Raw Head's severed head, which was piled on the hunter's wagon with the other hog heads, it tumbled to the ground and rolled until it was touching the bloody bones that had once inhabited its body. As the hunter's wagon rumbled away toward the ridge where he lived, the enchanted Raw Head called out: "Bloody bones, get up and dance!"
Immediately, the bloody bones reassembled themselves into the skeleton of a razorback hog walking upright, as Raw Head had often done when he was alone with Old Betty. The head hopped on top of his skeleton and Raw Head went searching through the woods for weapons to use against the hunter. He borrowed the sharp teeth of a dying panther, the claws of a long-dead bear, and the tail from a rotting raccoon and put them over his skinned head and bloody bones.
Then Raw Head headed up the track toward the ridge, looking for the hunter who had slaughtered him. Raw Head slipped passed the thief on the road and slid into the barn where the hunter kept his horse and wagon. Raw Head climbed up into the loft and waited for the hunter to come home.
It was dusk when the hunter drove into the barn and unhitched his horse. The horse snorted in fear, sensing the presence of Raw Head in the loft. Wondering what was disturbing his usually-calm horse, the hunter looked around and saw a large pair of eyes staring down at him from the darkness in the loft.
The hunter frowned, thinking it was one of the local kids fooling around in his barn.
"Land o' Goshen, what have you got those big eyes fer?" he snapped, thinking the kids were trying to scare him with some crazy mask.
"To see your grave," Raw Head rumbled very softly. The hunter snorted irritably and put his horse into the stall.
"Very funny. Ha,ha," The hunter said. When he came out of the stall, he saw Raw Head had crept forward a bit further. Now his luminous yellow eyes and his bears claws could clearly be seen.
"Land o' Goshen, what have you got those big claws fer?" he snapped. "You look ridiculous."
"To dig your grave…" Raw Head intoned softly, his voice a deep rumble that raised the hairs on the back of the hunter's neck. He stirred uneasily, not sure how the crazy kid in his loft could have made such a scary sound. If it really was a crazy kid.
Feeling a little spooked, he hurried to the door and let himself out of the barn. Raw Head slipped out of the loft and climbed down the side of the barn behind him. With nary a rustle to reveal his presence, Raw Head raced through the trees and up the path to a large, moonlight rock. He hid in the shadow of the huge stone so that the only things showing were his gleaming yellow eyes, his bear claws, and his raccoon tail.
When the hunter came level with the rock on the side of the path, he gave a startled yelp. Staring at Raw Head, he gasped: "You nearly knocked the heart right out of me, you crazy kid! Land o' Goshen, what have you got that crazy tail fer?"
"To sweep your grave…" Raw Head boomed, his enchanted voice echoing through the woods, getting louder and louder with each echo. The hunter took to his heels and ran for his cabin. He raced passed the old well-house, passed the wood pile, over the rotting fence and into his yard. But Raw Head was faster. When the hunter reached his porch, Raw Head leapt from the shadows and loomed above him. The hunter stared in terror up at Raw Head's gleaming yellow eyes in the ugly razorback hogshead, his bloody bone skeleton with its long bear claws, sweeping raccoon's tail and his gleaming sharp panther teeth.
"Land o' Goshen, what have you got those big teeth fer?" he gasped desperately, stumbling backwards from the terrible figure before him.
"To eat you up, like you wanted to eat me!" Raw Head roared, descending upon the good-for-nothing hunter. The murdering thief gave one long scream in the moonlight. Then there was silence, and the sound of crunching.
Nothing more was ever seen or heard of the lazy hunter who lived on the ridge. His horse also disappeared that night. But sometimes folks would see Raw Head roaming through the forest in the company of his friend Old Betty. And once a month, on the night of the full moon, Raw Head would ride the hunter's horse through town, wearing the old man's blue overalls over his bloody bones with a hole cut-out for his raccoon tail. In his bloody, bear-clawed hands, he carried his raw, razorback hogshead, lifting it high against the full moon for everyone to see.